kasey82800

I guess I'm being real sensitive about what others say to me.  I know some mean well but sometimes people don't realize that somethings affect people differently. 

It's like if I say I am pissed at everything lately.  It's not just that I'm in a pissy mood or quick tempered.  It's that I'm sitting here ready to crawl out of my skin with this feeling of anger that I truly don't know what to do about it.  Then to have someone turn around and ask "Are you still pissed?"  really just bugs me.  And then there is my kids who start with the "Mom don't get mad" if I raise up my voice one octave,  I actually raise my voice a lot of times even when I'm not mad.  And sarcasm does not necessarily equal anger.  And since when is feeling something is wrong and fighting for it being pissed off? 

 You know I truly think people forget I have a mental illness.  I am seriously gonna say stuff that may be out of the ordinary.  People who are very close to someone who is Bipolar will tell you how freakin' hard it is to deal with.  Well imagine being the one who can't walk away from it.  Imagine having to deal with these thougths and feelings 24/7.  You want to take a vacation so badly from the stress of it all but then you realize that you can't just up and leave yourself. 

Then imagine being older and having the same emotional turmoil that you had when you were a teenager.  And you look around and you know that something is wrong because you never quite felt grown up. And you're 45 and it's just not fashionable not to be grown up at this age.  I mean I'm all for being young at heart, but there are times when I'm not sure if I am 45 or 5 with the way I can act.

It's like when my situation changed last year towards the end of the year.  Let me tell you it was for the better in many ways.  But in some ways it wasn't.  But just because I was removed from a potentially harmful situation didn't mean I was cured of all my ailments.  I still have Borderline Personality Disorder.  I'm still Bipolar.  I'm still an Alcoholic.  I'm still a Perscription Drug Abuser. I'm still a Cutter......and nothing is gonna change that.

Just like I can try and rationalize out why some people have done what they've done in my life, it doesn't mean that the pain I feel is going to go away.  Whether it was taken out of context or what, my kids still said enough for me to STILL be branded a child abuser 4 years after the incidents were reported and with no proof of such abuses ever given.  Whether it's because he can't handle someone NOT being to blame for his pain, I will always carry with me the fact my brother thinks I killed our mother ~ literally.  As much as I may love them, I cannot forget the deep pain I felt because of these things.

And seriously, no matter how hard I try, I just can't find a reason to keep going anymore.  What does it say about yourself when you pray to God for Him to take you because you think you nothing more to give to anyone................and maybe you never did.